Renewal

You asked with a pleading voice
If there was a place for you in my house
No mom I say,
I can’t have you in my house
You’ll drive me crazy
We’ve talked about it before
You knew why
Yet you kept asking again and again
I felt ruthless
Where was my pain?

I went back and found it
With the little girl
Who loved her mommy with such passion
Who wished to die before her mother
So as not to feel the pain of loss.
I remember you mamma,
So soft and beautiful
So lost and troubled
Restless,
Forever needing
Forever leaving

That little girl
Reaching her hands out to you
Pleading for you not to leave
Now turns her back to you,
The pleading mother who wants to come home
There was too much hurt, too much rejection
Too much loss.

But today the doors are wide open!
Time for celebration!
Time for renewal!
Now that you are dead and gone mamma
You are welcomed into my house
We can finally be together.
We can love again
With a love that is pure and simple
You without your guilt and disappointment
Me without my fear of abandonment.

Now, without fear
I can remember the many walks we took together
Our long talks
You pouring out your heart to me
Me learning, memorizing life
You taught me so much,
Gave me so much wisdom.

Now without anger
I can remember how much I loved
Hugging you and kissing you
How much I loved your soft silky hands
Your palms, cushioned,
So soft and yielding.

Today I can open my arms to you, mamma
Embrace you and tell you
That you were my greatest love.